some old entries

to bring me back to my self. these past few weeks, I have been trying to escape from everything that was hurting me by consuming as much alcohol as possible. to rid myself of fear, anxiety, hopelessness, and an overall sadness...i guzzled enough alcohol to lull my running mind to sleep on more days than i didn't.
this tactic, is very silly. i am very proud of the emotion i feel, i am okay with being this hurt because it only means that i once cared for something passionately.
it has led me to learn from my mistakes, and continue growing with each day. even now, as i read through my old blogs and sit on what i feel at this moment,
anyway, here they are.

adventure!

i am writing from the sky. heading in the direction of san francisco.
i got a bit of a bonus, and decided that it would be a waste to spend my week off in boston. why not go see the city i've always heard of, the city i'm told i should move to? so here i go, off on my lone adventure on the west coast!

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good morning san francisco!
i almost forgot what it's like to wake up and not know where you are. it feels so good. as i was doing the mini tour with a newly inducted sanfrancisconite (thanks sarah!), i found myself squealing every few minutes, 'ah so coool!'. it was pretty clear, that i was back in love with the feeling of exploring a new city. sarah knew exactly how i felt, she summed it up by saying "this is why i can't stay in a city for more than a year. i need to feel like i'm discovering something new. there's just too much to see out there".
so far, i'm having an amazing time. i've gotten to eat alot, see the city lit up at night, and walk aimlessly. i've spent much of my time so far just walking with no direction, but finding that even though these streets are just streets, they are streets i've never walked. so every step i take is one that goes in the books of the history of my life.  and it feels like a victory against death. i'm excited for adventures today!
e-venture, off to seeee the world (san francisco...)

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my mom used to tell me that the only person one can ever truly depend on is themselves. perhaps this was the only real attempt at advice my mom has ever given, or perhaps it was just the only piece of truth she had ever known. but those words have stuck with me as my mother's, even after the numerous times i've heard it spoken by others. these words of caution? strength? independence? love? they were given to me by my mother.
sometimes i think that they were behind her reasoning for leaving me for those few years. as if it were a lesson to teach me to rely on myself, because that is exactly what i learned. the only failure in this lesson was the loneliness that it came with. i yearned for what i thought i observed in everyone else, for what i saw in the movies and read about in books. an unfailing passion. a love, for someone or something, that exists without a shadow of doubt. unselfish love for something greater than yourself. but more than any of that, i wanted to live with my defenses down.
my mother is not a woman of strength. the mother i've known has always been one to crumble under any amount of stress or difficulty. for her to live by the very words that she has always tried to pass onto me is more than a little suspect. but when i remember the woman my mother used to be, the special education teacher who spent her salary supporting her gambling mother and sickly father, the woman who simultaneously completed her masters degree in a foreign country while carrying a child and holding a part time job, the woman who helped her husband create a business from nothing, the woman who saved and moved to the US and built a life for herself with her own two hands...when i think of this woman, i feel inspired. i can't pinpoint where it began to fall apart, but i do know that the woman before was able to have it all. that is the woman i want to be.
i dont want to be the words she spoke, i don't want to be what i yearned for, i don't want to be who she has become. i want to be that strength propelled by unfailing love. i want to have it all, and i intend to.

this time five years ago was the day my grandmother passed away. as time goes on and the number of times i reflect on this anniversary increases, those feelings that come to visit me change just a little bit each year. even though the regret and the wishing for a chance to change the past remains, this year i find myself with a strong desire to take steps in coming closer to making a change for the future.
today i had the chance to visit a man in his 90's at an assisted living facility. i have visited a couple of other facilities in the past few years, and while the residents are always very unique, one very disheartening fact seemed to be consistent with all of them. they rarely had visitors. i thought about my grandmother's last days, no, her last months. what i could have done for her if i had been there.  what i can do is for this man and what i can do with the next year, is not waste the opportunities that i am given, to make fewer mistakes.
so, today, i played checkers. (and i lost)tomorrow and the day after, i try to be a good person. i progress down that road to becoming a teacher. i share what i can with whoever i can in whatever way i can. if there is one thing i know about myself, it is that i feel success in caring for and helping people. i won't let that go wasted.
optimistic? sappy? cliche? i think so, but still levels above regretful...