in 2018, i spent a lot of time thinking about grief and loss.  loss had consistently been something that drove my inner monologue, it molded my perception of the course life could take us and the relationships we create. early on, i realized that mortality was a given but timing was not.  i struggled often with the juxtaposition of if this notion meant that i should be more open or if i should be more guarded.  knowing that what is in this moment could change drastically in an instant, would i choose to relish in right now or guard myself from what could be later? am i to be present in this moment or try harder for another? do i love fearlessly now and forgive later, or protect my heart from scarring?

in 2019, i spent a lot of time thinking about forgiveness. letting go of the scarring already on my heart and healing by forgiving the ones who inflicted those wounds. my ability to forgive is so closely tied to the choices i've faced when weighing the heaviness of whether i should be more open or more guarded.  when i reflected on this idea of forgiveness, it became so muddled and unclear that i couldn't even understand what it actually felt like.  this 'forgiveness'.  how did it feel, was it something you gave or received?

in 2018, i grieved deeply and questioned endlessly.  i sought answers to uncertainty and chaos, asked questions that were impossible to answer.
in 2019, the notion of forgiveness caused me to self-isolate.   i just couldn't comprehend this push and pull of what i wanted, what i needed, and what i knew.  it overwhelmed me, consumed me even.
it is now 2020. uncertainty and mandated isolation.  the questions are still unanswered, and i am still trying to heal.  but i am so, so grateful.   mortality is nondiscriminatory, as are the questions we all seek answers to.  as human as i allow myself to be, i must allow others.  to ask questions, is to seek answers and i think that's how you continue to learn.  to know pain is to know it in others, and i think thats how you learn to forgive. at the end of the day, this journey i'm on is only one in a billion of others just like it. it is a gift in its incomprehensible entirety to question, to lose, to learn, to forgive, to be...