hallo,

i know that you are trying to move on, but i just wanted to put my last thoughts down on paper to share my heart with you before i close this chapter as well.  

 

last night, i couldn't fall asleep.  i havent really slept in days.  all i could think about as i lay in bed last night, were all the times that you would sit with me as i fell asleep. and you would hold me and stroke my hair.  and when i would wake up, you would tell me that watching me rest made you happy.  all i could think about was how you would look at me, and how much i loved you in those moments and how much you must have loved me.  

 

i love you.  maybe more than i was ever able to express, more than you know.  even though things didn't work out the way we wanted them to, i need you to know, how deeply i loved our time together.  i need you to know how good you were to me.  i wouldn't be okay if i didn't tell you how incredible of a person you are.  i've never had faith in a higher power, or faith that there is a plan out there for us.  but after our time together, my heart has changed.   you changed my heart.  i am always going to remember and be grateful for you. because of you, i wasn't alone for the first time in my life.  i wasn't alone when my grandma and my friend passed,  i wasn't alone during those really dark, scary hours trying to finish impossible tasks at work, i wasn't alone when i was trying to get healthy and find healing (and i am committed to that now because of you), and im not alone now because you taught me not to be scared to be loved by other people.  i see all my friends and family embracing me now, because you showed me how.  you have to know, you are one of the kindest, most patient, most hardworking, most loving, good men i have ever known.  you strive every day to be better in all of the ways you are already good, and i was excited each day to see what that looked like for you.  i hope, i truly hope, that you felt my love too.  i see you for everything you are, and everything you're going to be.   i want the whole world for you, and i know you'll find it because good things happen to good people.  

 

we made a lot of mistakes, and i wasn't equipped to receive your love when you gave it or make room for you when you needed it.  i'm sorry.  if i could take all those mistakes back, i would.  but i wouldn't trade a second of knowing you.   i know all i can do now is become better and just cherish what we had and all of our potential.  i hope one day we might find our way back to each other, but if we dont, i want you to hear me say these things one last time.  Be gentle with yourself.  i love you, you're a good man, and i was so lucky.