>> Friday, October 28, 2011

my thoughts turn to you once again. loss always brings me to you.
i was telling a new friend about you. about your warmth, about your smile, about your laughter. i went back into my private blog entries, and found the one i wrote 2 weeks after your accident. this moment came surging back, and i couldn't believe that i had almost forgotten this pain.
i miss you so much today. my heart hurts, it's unbearable.

i'll never forget that first moment a part of me began to accept the truth. the sounds of the nurses' voices, the beeping of the machine, the smell of the disinfectant, the blue of his gown, the dark zig zags that were undoubtedly going to be his scars. before i could even take one step into the room he was in, fear gripped at my chest and caused an almost explosive surge of debilitating terror and grief. my entire body hunched over as i tried to catch my breath, catch my senses. the friend i came with and wanted more than anything to be strong for, grabbed me before i could fall over and whispered that it would be okay. and there i stood, at the very corner of the doorway. half of my body inching its way in, and the other desperately wanting to run back in time. a few minutes later, i took a deep breath and shuffled in. there was a very distinct awareness of my eyes as they ran over his still body, like a scanner trying to absorb the information it was being fed. very quickly, this disconnect dissolved into a very real sensation of what i can only describe as a sadness i've never felt in my life. sad for the situation, sad for those around me, sad for every tear i saw being shed, sad for the time that continues to move even though his body does not. this sadness was heavy, so incredibly tremendous and heavy. it bore down on me all at once and i crumbled. my entire body crumbled as the emotion itself settled all around me, within me. i remember feeling for a moment as if the only way to gain stability as everything else gave way, was to fall to the ground. the tears were unstoppable at that point, and i knew what that meant. as my tears fell, his mother and my friends' tears fell. everything i had told myself i could do in this situation, slipped away the moment i fell apart. the pain in that room is something i'll never forget. two weeks have gone by, and there is not a single day where i do not relive that moment.


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